The piercing ring of the alarm woke me at a very early 4:30am on Tuesday morning. The second best thing about being on maternity leave was not hearing that sound each morning. I stumbled around what would eventually become our morning routine, and managed to get Elizabeth and myself ready with time to spare! I got up, got dressed, got her bottle ready and warming, changed her into her clothes, and feed her. How that all happened without Greg even making a stir is beyond me! Then it was actually time for me to leave her with someone that I had just met a week ago... :( One hundred kisses, a few hugs and off to work I went.
During the car ride, I was feeling excited, but that feeling quickly turned into guilt. How dare I feel anything but sadness when I had just left my baby for the first time? I put my emotions in check and turned on the radio to hear the familiar voices of my favorite morning show. I had my diet coke and breakfast next to me, I remembered what it was like to spend time alone and be still. It almost felt like relaxation. Uh oh, here I was feeling something other than sadness again. I was truly enjoying myself, and I wasn’t sure it was okay. Did this make me a bad mom? Away from my newborn for ten minutes, and I’m not feeling a bit of despair. I didn’t have much time to think about it. I had arrived at work.
I pulled into the parking lot, grabbed my baggage (lunch, purse, baby photos) and headed to my office. I was early as always because I get there at 6:30am, and most people hadn’t arrived yet. This gave me the opportunity to unpack my bags and catch up on email. The director sent me a picture of Elizabeth playing in the bouncer, she looked so happy... I choked back tears, then my coworkers began to arrive. Within five minutes, there was a crowd of ladies oohing and aahing over photos of my little angel. Everyone was so accommodating and seemed truly interested in hearing about her progress and growth. It’s a good thing because I would have told them even if they hadn’t asked! I didn’t feel sad at all; talking about Elizabeth was the best therapy. I checked in with my supervisor and was asked to work on something that would keep me very busy over the next week. It was just the distraction I needed. Throughout the day, friendly faces stopped in to welcome me back and, of course, see pictures. My day flew by, and before I could blink, it was time to go home.
During the car ride to get Elizabeth, I was able to reflect on my day and find perspective. I loved my job and was happy to be back. I had to admit; it was nice having something to focus on besides the baby. I was still struggling with the guilt, but doesn’t that come along with parenthood? If it weren’t work, it would be something else. When I arrived at the daycare that evening, I was greeted with a smile. It seemed she remembered me, and I could tell she didn’t seem un-happy. Her teacher gave me a rundown of her day, but I didn’t hear a word. I was just ready to get home to snuggle with my baby!
Lets talk about routine... before Elizabeth everything I did was pretty routine. How in the world do you get a child to adapt to your routine... I mean come on, sleep at 9pm, wake up at 4:30am (except on weekends of course!), eat and be merry! Not that hard right... WRONG! Elizabeth has taught me that there is no night or day that will be the same. I am sure as she gets older that she will get into a grove (at least that is what everyone tells me). With the help from Greg in the evenings, it has been a good transition back to work. I hope and pray it will continue to improve and my little angel will adapt to mommy's schedule!
I love everything about my little angel but as I sit here and try and think of all the little things she does, it is just too hard. I wish I had a better memory! I struggle from time to time with the idea that I am not doing something right or that I am a bad mom but Greg always tries to bring back to reality. Life is good and we could have it worse! Well, we will update again soon and hopefully will have a few pictures! Have a great weekend everyone!
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